The Friendship Factor: How We Are Impacting the Global Loneliness Epidemic

By Dr. Lisa Dunne, CVCU President

If you’ve been following the recent research on relational distress, especially amongst our 18-25 population, you know that there is a global loneliness epidemic. Today I want to share with you some of the patterns we see emerging in our culture, as well as the good news—how we are seeing these patterns shift in our local region.

We see the fallout in the trail of broken relationships, the ghosting phenomenon, and the attachment crisis. But did you know there is actually a faith-based formula to friendships? 

All across America today, we see a trend toward isolationism. It’s not a new social disease, but it has been exacerbated, I think, by counterfeit mechanisms that can make us feel connected temporarily but which are ultimately poor substitutes for the real thing: F2F relationship. 

The rise of social time online (65% of teen social time). and a perceived sense of general, constant busyness: Couple this with the stats on loneliness, bitterness, and general anxiety, and we definitely have a recipe for socio-emotional disaster. 

CS Lewis said in the four loves that we can lock our heart up safe in a vault where it won’t be broken; instead, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. “To love at all,” he says, “is to be vulnerable."

In our early years, family and friendship are the foundation of our later relationships.  Just like the culture has led Christians astray with a live-and-let-live philosophy that has undermined the Great Commission, some myths about friendship are also afoot. Let’s break those down a bit. 

Let’s talk about some of the myths in friendship. 

Myth 1: A friend should never challenge you or cross you – a friend should make you feel happy all the time. On the contrary, a friend speaks the truth in love. Proverbs 27:6 says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” In other words, someone who flatters you is not necessarily your friend. Friendship is defined here as the willingness to speak truth, even if it hurts, when it’s for the good of the person or the relationship. A true friend will call you out to call you up. 

Myth 2: I’m just friends with everyone! Proverbs 12:26 says a righteous person is cautious in friendship, chooses friends carefully. As Christians, we have a biblical obligation to be friendly and kind to everyone, but that doesn’t mean that every person you meet can or should become part of your inner circle of closest relationships. Our closest friendships, whether virtual or interpersonal, will influence our behavior. As 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, “Do not be deceived. Bad company corrupts good morals, or good character.” So we need to choose our influences from people bearing good fruit. We will eventually become like them. 

Myth 3: The perfect BFF can meet all your relational needs: No one friend is going to meet all your relational needs, and that includes your spouse. You will never share every single value, hope, dream, goal, like, dislike, and favorite ice cream flavor with another person. That’s just not realistic. If you have a few close friends, each one of them will likely represent one aspect of your unique relational needs. You can’t be intimately close friends with everyone. Anthropologist Robin Dunbar looked at consistent patterns in human relationships and found that on average, most humans can handle 5 intimate friendships, 15 good friends, 50 close friends, and 150 friends. As the circle extends, the potential for relational closeness decreases, so for most people, that real circle is about five. We should always keep the door to friendship open, though, because we never know if the next great friendship might be waiting in the wings.

Friendship is tremendously beneficial, physically and psychologically. An article in the Journal of Psychiatry (2016) notes a reduction in heart rate, blood pressure, cortisol levels, fewer incidences of disease, and even a longer life span for those with socially supportive relationships. 

In the social sciences, we look for patterns of behavior that can inform our intentional interactions, and one of the fascinating fields of study for me is the field of interpersonal relationships. From the studies in interpersonal communication, we see that friendship is actually pretty formulaic. If that sounds robotic or simplistic, let me give you an example: You can’t gain emotional closeness with another person without revealing something of yourself. That’s one of the formulas we will be unpacking in this episode.  

Now I know this word formula might make some people nervous, as it makes friendship seem unnatural, non grass fed organic. It doesn’t mean that there are never exceptions to the patterns, but one of the tremendous benefits of research is that it actually helps us to analyze these patterns and use them to better approach our own relational challenges.

Identity is a relatively stable set of attitudes that defines who you are, or at least who you think you are. It’s a subjective self-image that comes from your past experience and then guides your interpretation of what you learn about yourself through your interactions with others. American sociologist and professor George Herbert Mead said that our identity is formed through our interactions with others and our feelings about ourselves. 

American philosopher and social theorist Charles Horton Cooley described this as our looking glass self, a mirror, the perception we adapt of ourselves based on what we think others see in us. In this view, identity is the culmination of how we perceive ourselves to be perceived by others.

Along that same line, self-acceptance, as defined in the social sciences, means having a high regard for yourself. It doesn’t mean you are arrogant or cocky; it means you feel like you have worth, value. And there is a fascinating correlation here for relationship: The more self-accepting you are, the greater your level of self-disclosure. The less self-accepting you are, the less you self-disclose, probably because of the intense fear of rejection that would confirm what we already believe about ourselves. This creates a cycle. The less we self-disclose, the less likely we are to develop and maintain deep friendships. Thats a formula. 

As Dr. John Steward notes in Building Bridges Not Walls, psychologically healthy people tend to see themselves as being liked, capable, worthy, and acceptable to other people. Of course, there is a spectrum here, but at the foundation, we see a pattern: the better our view of ourselves, the better our treatment of others. 

Jesus alludes to this concept in the tiny but very important caveat he provides when ranking the Great Commandments in response to the Pharisees’ question, which one is the greatest: Jesus says the second greatest commandment is to love others as we love ourselves. Those four little words at the end of the phrase are cornerstones for our interactions with others. He’s not telling us to be self-absorbed narcissists; he’s saying that we will ultimately treat others as we treat ourselves and as we expect to be treated for better or for worse. And the social science research clearly demonstrates that as well. 

In part two of this blog, we will look at some practical ways we can utilize the findings of social science to help navigate the arena of relationships.

At CVCU, we are seeing the friendship factor that is built into our model bring relational healing and relational resilience—two vital keys for healthy adult relationships. We call our model a place where rigor meets relationship, an academically challenging environment that is built on biblical connectivity. 

Why not try adding a sprinkle of relational healing and connectivity to your academic environment? Whether you’re a homeschool parent, a community leader, or a teacher in a Christian classroom, a refocus on the priority of relational equity will bring a harvest that creates a depth of friendship that can combat the stats on loneliness sweeping the globe. 

We would love to come share with your team and help equip you with our educational methodologies! Visit DrLisaDunne.com to learn about the direct support, coaching, and presentations we offer.

Education is formation. Let’s not waste the K to college years on shallow, superficial, temporal goals. Join the AcademicRescueMission.com and let’s transform the culture together. 

Dr. Lisa Dunne is an author, speaker, and founder of several K to college educational institutions designed to restore hope and sanity to America’s education process. Learn more about her college work at www.cvcu.us, her community college system at VeritasCC.us, and her K to 8th grade model at AcademicRescueMission.com.