The Gift of Relational Resilience

By Dr. Lisa Dunne

Do you ever notice the telltale signs of unresolved issues keep creeping into your home? Behaviors like overreacting, not feeling connected to others, getting angry for no reason, feeling a constant, low-level sense of frustration can be clues that we need to address some mindsets and develop some relational resilience. We can offer ourselves and our children the relational, emotional, and mental fortitude, the skill set they need to thrive at home, in college, and in life. Read the blog below or listen in to the full version on the Communication Architect. Let’s break off that unholy alliance with the labels and lies from the past.

In the year 605 BC, a rugged, healthy, wise Israelite named Daniel was taken from his home in Jerusalem as a result of a judgment for his nation’s disobedience and unfaithfulness to God. He was sent to live in Babylon under the rule of King Nebuchadnezzar. King Neb first tried to socialize Daniel and his young friends by renaming them, changing their God-centered names to names of Babylonian gods, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (thus attempting to change their identity and connection with the one true God and affiliating them with the gods of King Neb’s kingdom). Next, King Neb tried to indoctrinate them by reeducating them in the literature of the Chaldeans, who were both a regional group and a people known for their magic lore and dream interpretations. Third, he attempted to seduce them with an appetite for the king’s foods, which Daniel and his friends refused. 

I think we could agree that Daniel experienced some pretty intense trauma. He could have been angry about his captivity, angry about his sentence, angry about being separated from his home, but what kind of response to we see from Daniel? He determined to live a life set apart—not eating the king’s food or drink, and he kept his mind and heart stayed on the one true God even in the midst of a total cultural indoctrination. 

As a result, Daniel’s friends, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah all had the courage they needed when the king turned up the heat. They refused to follow the rule of the secular authorities by bowing their knee to a false idol. When the king said, “Worship this image,” they determined in their hearts that they would serve God over government. The men were thrown into the furnace for their refusal. Scholars say the governmental leaders called the men “ungrateful” for their refusal to obey the king. Unkind, selfish, ungrateful—labels and lies. But what happened? Not only did God meet them in the fiery furnace; they escaped the heat without compromise in their heart or the smell of smoke on their bodies. 

They were promoted in the province, and the king declared it illegal to speak against the one true God. 

We can learn a great deal from Daniel’s friends and their determination, their dedication, in the face of indoctrination. We talked in our last show about the cultural indoctrination that has been sweeping our nation. Everything from sitcoms to music to ads to flags being flown at local public school district offices. All these symbols are an attempt to create allegiance to a mindset, a paradigm, a worldview. 

Like Daniel and his friends, we must make an intentional choice about the kind of mindset we are going to embrace.

An emotionally healthy mindset, as researchers have shown, means we use our challenges as a point of reference to understand life and to help others do the same. It’s not the existence of trauma but the response to it that makes the difference. 

When I was a teenager, I had this very dysmorphic view of myself. I would look in the mirror and see every perceived flaw as magnified, and the longer I looked, the more hideous my visage became. So, I would live in a way that was congruent with that view, that I was worthless, had no value. Up until I was saved in college, my mindset was yoked to the lies and labels of the past, demonic strongholds that had to be broken and severed off my life. We really have to look at this as a culture; we’ve got to talk about this because we have a whole generation of children that are experiencing similar frequencies of deception, whether that’s exhibited in careless actions or self-injurious behavior or suicide ideation.

We’ve talked about the stats before. GenZs are the most atheist, unchurched generation in the history of our nation. Look up the rates on youth homicide, suicide ideation, self-poisoning, cutting, burning, addiction, anxiety, and depression for ages 14 to 25 in the United States. The numbers are all staggering. These are offshoots of a generation that has not been taught its value in Christ. When you know you have value, that mindset is reflected in your actions.  

When there is trauma in the early years, neuroscience has shown, it can have lasting effects on deep brain structures responsible for such processes as the response to stress, the integration of information, and the encoding of memory.

Many people, instead of trying to establish a coherent narrative, want to stab at a memory from the distance as with a stick, then immediately bury it once again. This is not normally a highly effective solution. I recall a young student years ago, who, when she was required in my class to discuss a narrative account of a past experience, told the group that she had quite literally “locked all of her childhood memories up in the attic.” She didn’t allow her mind to dwell on memories, and as a result, those memories became monstrous shadows that colored her perception on any similar relationship. 

At the end of a connective and engaging semester, the student actually climbed up into her physical attic and brought out some childhood photos to share with the group. She faced the memories, the monsters of her past, and actually found that they were actually more laughable than lethal. It was a beautiful, transformative moment for her and the others in the room. She integrated some painful pieces of the past into her whole self—developing a coherent narrative.

We all have the possibilities and potential for change. We don’t have to get stuck in that rut of responding and reacting in the same patterns. We can be transformed by the renewing of our minds. And what do we renew our minds with? The word of God. His truth. Remember, there is no my truth or your truth; there is only the truth, Jesus. 

There are constant and competing demands for our loyalty, so we must develop an internal sense of control, a compass to guide us in the evaluation of what is valuable, real, and worthwhile. For us as Christians, that’s the Holy Spirit, the counselor. Daniel knew that if he ate the king’s food he would either become dependent on luxury or be distracted from the mission at hand. In the same way, we too must find our bearings in a pluralistic culture with a persuasive agenda designed to lure us away from the straight and narrow. What patterns or choices might you need to sever in order to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus? 

As adults, we must learn to unravel, disconnect, and reconnect the unresolved trauma by unlocking the negative memories and guiding them into a holistic integration with other life experiences. 

In their explanatory writings, Shapiro and Maxfield challenge readers to a moment of memory connection as a method of exploring the possibility of unresolved trauma. They first ask readers to recall a moment of humiliation in grade school and to notice how the body feels when the memory resurfaces. Is there a physiological impact—a twinge, a sensation of childhood emotion? If so, the authors say, there exists an unresolved trauma. Somewhere, there lies an isolated memory that is drifting solitarily in neural space, separated from the very systems that could engage it in reparative action.

Maybe you’ve noticed the telltale signs of unresolved issues, behaviors like overreacting, not feeling connected to others, getting angry for no reason, feeling a constant, low-level sense of frustration? Those can be clues to drive us down from the tip of the iceberg to its roots. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you if you have an unholy alliance with a label or lie from your past, and ask him to free you from it. 

Sever the tie, friend.  Help your children do the same. 

In grad school, I put this research to the test in my own life. Like an archeologist, I dug up the artifacts that might be negatively influencing my present worldview, my relationships, and my view of self. I got free. I heard the truth, I embraced the truth, I applied the truth, and the truth set me free. 

Hidden, unprocessed trauma can wreak havoc in a person’s inner and interpersonal life. It is thus in our best interests as parents and community leaders to assist those in our realm of influence in the reprocessing of memory—helping them connect experiences to other connectors in the brain that will help them integrate isolated events and even to make sense of their lives as a whole. How about you, friend? Are you on a journey toward truth, healing, wholeness?

As we saw in van der Kolk’s PTSD studies, it is not the existence of trauma itself that is so disabling; it is the unresolved-ness of trauma that paralyzes.

One of the amazing offshoots we see in the CVCU model is not only academic support and structure but also whole-student development that comes from having mentors, from having your voice matter. We would love to see you in one of our degree or certificate programs! Join us next month for faith-based, debt-free learning that will not only train you up for the next chapter of your life but will help sharpen your interpersonal relationships and help you find greater meaning in life. 

We can bring new hope and life into our families and our communities when we value those in our realm of influence! Sadly, interpersonal relationships are suffering today, and traditional education has done more harm than good in this arena with it’s impersonal, sterile, non relational approach, its one-size-fits-none-modality. 

I’m calling on pastors and parents across the nation to be part of the solution. If you’re a parent, we have a host of resources to help you break free of the system. Just fill out the contact form at CVCU.us.  If you’re a pastor, visit us at ARM, AcademicRescuemission.com to help shift the culture of education for the next generation. 

Parents and grandparents, as you are considering your scholastic options for the coming year, we invite you to join us for debt-free, faith-based support that’s not yoked to a woke government system. 

For K to 8 options, go to AcademicRescueMission.com.

For 8th to 10th grade options, go to VeritasCC.us.

And for our full university degree programs, go to CVCU.us.

Don’t forget to check out my latest book on the twelve toxic traits of traditional education! Outsourced: Why America’s Kids Need an Education Revolution is available in print and on kindle! You can find all of our blogs, books, and podcasts on the homepage at CVCU.us.

Let’s offer our children the relational, emotional, and mental fortitude, the skill set they need to thrive at home, in college, and in life. Out of the overflow of our hearts and homes, let’s strengthen the bonds of community within our realms of influence.

Dr. Lisa Dunne is an author, speaker, and industry disruptor in the field of education. She holds a Ph.D. in human development an MA in communication, and an MA in organizational systems. She has started 36 academies, a Christian university, and a Christian community college. Let her come alongside your team and take back education in your city. Learn more about her work at CVCU.us or DrLisaDunne.com.